My assignment for this week. sort of.

It didn't turn out like I wanted, so i don't know if it's safe for fetlife or not.



The blurry side.

This is why something is wrong with me.

The obligatory history.
I come from a violent household. It's not what you would think- My father did not hit or hurt or scream at my mother, like i have been led to assume most abusive, dysfunctional families operate.  Actually, my father is the calmest most level-headed person I've ever met in my life, and I've only seen him angry maybe five times, **ever.** To start, the violent one was my mother. Everyone jokes about how women are bitches and have tempers. She would scream, and throw things and kick things, and one time she threw a cup of coffee at a door as he was leaving. Yeah, it was full.  And then there's my oldest sister, who has the sharpest tongue and foulest mouth I've ever heard. She screams, slams doors, screams profanity in front of the neighbors, and drives off until she's calmer or someone goes (apologizes) and gets her.

That is where I come from and what I grew to view as normal. I am doing everything I can to break the cycle, but I'm not perfect. I have a fucking temper. I am also a slave, and I believe firmly that by serving I have given up every right to my Master, and that if I refuse to obey (or calm down) he has the right to enforce his ownership. That is part of our dynamic and how I want to live.  (So don't run in and save me, ok?)

If we have an argument and it gets in some way violent or physical, it's because I started it *(in a physical manner).*

changing tone here.

When I look back at an argument, I can't always differentiate between being angry and turned on. I wonder if this happens to other people. My mind is pretty fucked up and psychotic, but I never expected that when an argument goes south and i'm replaying it in my mind later (I'm thinking of one involving shaving cream) I would find myself angry not because of the cause of the argument, but because we didn't do that as play!

It's actually become a tick now. If I'm angry and don't want to be touched, and Master puts his hand on me, I bristle and then find myself enjoying that he's pushing my boundaries, and then I get mad at myself both for enjoying this (during an argument!) and because now I can't enjoy it, because by enjoying my master touching me when i don't want to be touched, I now *want* to be touched. Of course it's a huge paradox and a horrible tease of a circle, and then you add in that it's in the middle of an argument and I get completely confused.

I literally find myself hoping for "angry sex" during an argument.    I've seen that before in movies, James Bond goes from fighting to fucking and back again- but it's a new feeling for me, and I'm not sure I like it.

1) It demeans my point if I can be distracted from my strongest emotion by a daydream.

2) Isn't it disrespectful to Master if I am daydreaming during an argument?

3) It's either going to make the whole thing vanish or blow up in my face.

My arguments are actually starting to blur into fantasies, and I'm not sure what that says about me other than I'm definitely going to haunt Cartman's nightmares.