My assignment for this week. sort of.

It didn't turn out like I wanted, so i don't know if it's safe for fetlife or not.



The blurry side.

This is why something is wrong with me.

The obligatory history.
I come from a violent household. It's not what you would think- My father did not hit or hurt or scream at my mother, like i have been led to assume most abusive, dysfunctional families operate.  Actually, my father is the calmest most level-headed person I've ever met in my life, and I've only seen him angry maybe five times, **ever.** To start, the violent one was my mother. Everyone jokes about how women are bitches and have tempers. She would scream, and throw things and kick things, and one time she threw a cup of coffee at a door as he was leaving. Yeah, it was full.  And then there's my oldest sister, who has the sharpest tongue and foulest mouth I've ever heard. She screams, slams doors, screams profanity in front of the neighbors, and drives off until she's calmer or someone goes (apologizes) and gets her.

That is where I come from and what I grew to view as normal. I am doing everything I can to break the cycle, but I'm not perfect. I have a fucking temper. I am also a slave, and I believe firmly that by serving I have given up every right to my Master, and that if I refuse to obey (or calm down) he has the right to enforce his ownership. That is part of our dynamic and how I want to live.  (So don't run in and save me, ok?)

If we have an argument and it gets in some way violent or physical, it's because I started it *(in a physical manner).*

changing tone here.

When I look back at an argument, I can't always differentiate between being angry and turned on. I wonder if this happens to other people. My mind is pretty fucked up and psychotic, but I never expected that when an argument goes south and i'm replaying it in my mind later (I'm thinking of one involving shaving cream) I would find myself angry not because of the cause of the argument, but because we didn't do that as play!

It's actually become a tick now. If I'm angry and don't want to be touched, and Master puts his hand on me, I bristle and then find myself enjoying that he's pushing my boundaries, and then I get mad at myself both for enjoying this (during an argument!) and because now I can't enjoy it, because by enjoying my master touching me when i don't want to be touched, I now *want* to be touched. Of course it's a huge paradox and a horrible tease of a circle, and then you add in that it's in the middle of an argument and I get completely confused.

I literally find myself hoping for "angry sex" during an argument.    I've seen that before in movies, James Bond goes from fighting to fucking and back again- but it's a new feeling for me, and I'm not sure I like it.

1) It demeans my point if I can be distracted from my strongest emotion by a daydream.

2) Isn't it disrespectful to Master if I am daydreaming during an argument?

3) It's either going to make the whole thing vanish or blow up in my face.

My arguments are actually starting to blur into fantasies, and I'm not sure what that says about me other than I'm definitely going to haunt Cartman's nightmares.

I have an assignment coming up. It's due by the end of this week, and i've been putting a lot of thought and pondering into it, but haven't done any work on the actual writing assignment. He wants me to "be more  myself" and say what i think because He says I'm smart... or something. He said that I need to actually start posting on fetlife so that people will realize I'm actually into leather and this lifestyle. Well, my assignment is to write about "anything" (within the topic of fetlife, leather, and BDSM) that inspires me so that people will get to know me better through my writing. It was assigned saturday night, so I assume it's due before next saturday night. That means that my only chance to get this done is today. We had a huge fight today.

The topics that I have in my mind are.

Why am i a slave? No, really- what was I thinking?

Something around the topic of: Strength of Will and Why I Approach Arguments Like Interrogations

Exploring Why I Want to Cut my Hair (I really don't know)

"But you said you hated me." "I also said I wasn't going to clean up the mess, didn't I?"

Tuesday I hit 90
Yesterday we woke up late and then Had a WoW "outing" together.
Today we fought.
Tomorrow (Friday) we get paid, have a Dr appointment, and have to buy groceries.
Saturday we're going to the flea market -- golf balls --- with Dspx, and will probably be there until 1PM
Sunday is the munch. And it hasn't been scheduled yet.

Also, this month. i need a physical, an eye exam/new glasses/contacts, and I'd like to get my hair done.


I have this sinking feeling that I'm not going to get my writing done, and it's not going to matter anyway. 

Add to fridge list. Scale

I have a fantasy where my legs are duct taped together so that my legs are closed and i'm bent over with my cunt exposed to make sex tighter.

Sex was good. My favorite part was when He reminded me while i was serving that i am His slave.

Order of the day. Reach level 90 on wow. 2 bars left.

Heading to bed shortly. New standing order to wear collar at all times. He knows that to keep that up i'll need a new one soon.

Just had sex. He fell asleep on the floor beside the bed shortly after and was objectionable to moving. I covered him up. Going to bed now.

Also i started my period today and a shot of vodka would go a long way to ease the cramps and lower back pain.

Sunday is a good day for new beginnings. I have a couple new standing orders, one is weekly, and some new possible goals. I can't wait!

I just walked in the room and Relly was asleep with the phone balanced on his face. So, if he stopped talking mid-call, don't worry. :)

2/24 from phone. Never published

How does the lack of scars play emotionally on a werewolf?

How does the lack of scars play emotionally on a werewolf?

Good sex, long talk before. About schedule. Sex was stop and go, which intensified it. so loving. Also he put a small teddy bear inside me: foreplay.

Sydney was out later the night we fought. i was alone in the bedroom. She doesn't want to need emily all the time. She cried in the shower.

We're fighting a lot, but we've been working through it. Still not back on schedule but i think the spirit for it is more important.

I have a rare quality mech kitty!

Pay rent
buy food - milk
put away clothes from trip
clean house

Started nice last night, then sex. Perfect pain, then he spit in my mouth and didn't let me swallow. he came, then emptied the condom in my mouth.

I just met candy and susy in our head. It's been forever since we've been there. They're precious. Candy petted me and susy jumped on me. -Lace

I forgot to blog that i didn't lift the lid in the portapot at the golf course. On the way home today.

Legoland was SO FREAKING AWESOME!

I am in my place and i am content. I am well-dressed and compliant. I am loved and appreciated. I am the perfect pet.

I wish we had more chocolate.

I will never write a trilogy that ends in death.

Finished golfing trip number two. I'm not terrible, and apparently that is unbelievably awesome. I had fun

My legs are sore from golfing yesterday. But we're doing it again today anyway, it's sunny.

Played golf and picked fruit today. We stayed until it got dark and cold and my wrist hurts. It was fun and i wasn't horrible

Don't get me wrong, i love knives. I just with he thought about them for play when he buys them. Like saying he'd like to run it across my neck.

She's agitated. He had to make her leave last night for bed. She always cleans when she's bothered. I don't think she knows what's wrong.

Candy is keeping everything clean at the hotel. Dishes, laundry. She put on makeup this morning. I hope we can live up to her standards this week.

I had to pee. I feel much better now. Only an hour left!

If you don't like my cattitude call 1 800 get adog

He never ever follows the plan. Ever. I wish i could trust him to do the right thing without being nagged.

Remind me of niacin after we're away from eric

She's making pancakes... From FLOUR. And an egg and about a fourth cup of buttermilk. Oh and bacon grease. The milk is to thickness as needed