LHC weekend

Have to admit that I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to play with Major this weekend at LHC. I literally remember thinking "Oh shit" right after my scene with MTaino because I was worried it would interfere with other possible happenings this weekend.

I had been warned. Sort of. The only hints I got were "I still have to make you a hood" and "If you keep jumping like that, Major's gonna catch you for sure."  

But it was a busy weekend. I feel like I never really stopped working to play and enjoy the company of the people I'm close to. Even when i was playing, it was because no one else was playing and I knew we had to get it started somehow. Master looked at me and I saw that He was thinking the same thing I was - Someone had to start playing, and I seemed like the only pumped-to-play bottom around.

The scene was crazy intense. I kept trying to relax and melt into the pain, but every time I started to really enjoy the feeling, M.T would put in another hard hit. I didn't know what he was going for, but I knew that I might switch soon, and I held on as tightly as I could. When I finally started to cry, he said good girl. My initial reaction was to turn and yell at him that I was not, I had just started crying, how dare he put that on me, I hate being called a good girl anyway- and then it dawned on me that he'd been trying to make me cry all along, which was why he kept hitting me when I would relax. I think that's the first time I've actually felt the tears fall off my face and not roll straight down. I finally let myself cry, but still held on to Emily, to my sanity. Even still I was ashamed and kept my eyes closed. All of the sudden I felt someone move in front of me- It felt like DaddySpanks, and I thought he had interrupted the scene or was going to hold me while i took more. "Good girl." It was M Taino, and I suddenly panicked when I realized I was pressing my wet face and runny nose straight against this man's leather vest. I tried to pull away but he held on, and then I hugged him back, still breathing out of my mouth because he was holding me so tightly to his shoulder that I couldn't breathe with my mouth closed. I wanted to say thank you, because it had gone from a fear that I couldn't handle it to shame to relief and that wonderful feeling right after a heavy hit when the skin stings and all the pain turns straight into happiness.

By the time I made it to the cooldown room, I was laughing and crying hysterically at the same time. Susy was out now, too. I couldn't stop giggling because it felt good, and crying from the overwhelming emotions. I kept bouncing and kicking my feet like a child, and my speech patterns changed wildly from child to adult, serious to funny. I tried to eat a piece of chocolate and almost puked. (That's never happened before!)

My back still hurts, and i was pretty surprised it didn't get darker. It's mostly speckling.


DaddySpanks was talking about some woman who carried a submissive into a social area in a body-bag (and how that was against party regulations and so on) and so when major said he a surprise in a bag in his room, that was my first mental reference.

I very much enjoyed the play/banter in the vending area with the shamog and wish there had been more chances for fun and less-serious going ons this weekend.

I feel very pleased with myself for getting up the courage to speak with Momma Vi this year since I didn't last year. In fact, I feel that I've even made friends with a few of the tradesmen, who I always admired from afar before now. (What? I felt excluded. Gay males intimidate me, there's nothing they could possibly be interested in about me from a purely kink standpoint, so I always want to join in the fun but I feel kind of useless, and afraid to approach them.) I allllmost cried when she was signing Story of O for me, but I think I'd been a bit out of tears thanks to the night before. It means a whole lot to me though, and it has strengthened my resolve to find more books for the library, read all those classic kink books people keep talking about, donate books next year, and eventually publish something that I can put into the Leather Library myself.

I also want to MAKE SURE I sit in on at least one storytelling next year, since I still have yet to do that. (The first year, I didn't know they were actually doing it til it was over, and this year I just never had time.)

The Story of O has been very calming and centering for me so far. It helps me regain perspective as to my needs, behaviors, and duties as a slave. I've been questioning a lot of things lately about myself, and I hate to admit I forgot to enjoy serving. I've been so busy thinking about what has to get done, and who is doing what, that I had actually begun to resent my duties and promises and orders.  I like being told what to do! I enjoy it! I enjoy helping, giving to others of my time and abilities, and losing myself in doing something quickly and correctly! I have not been gracious. I have muttered under my breath and pouted when things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I forgot that the best thing about being a slave is that I don't have to worry about what I want or need! I have only to do as I am told, and enjoy being useful, and my usefulness will be preserved. My needs and wants will be considered and taken care of. In fact, my needs are no concern of mine.

And I'm only on page 41 so far. It's not helping me get rid of those pesky multiple partner fantasies at all.

Gypsy mentioned wanting to do a more formal mentoring with me, but I haven't had a chance to discuss it with Relly yet.

I hate to admit it but  I wondered if Major gave up playing with me so that he could have sex. It shouldn't have bothered me, after all that's his decision, and I understand there were other influencing factors, but I felt a little disillusioned.

Kit bought himself leather pants. He also didn't really come out of his room much. I don't understand what's going on with him at all really. If you're going to come to an event, you'd think he would actually come out of his room to enjoy the event instead of reading a book he brought with him to the LEATHER LIBRARY.

I feel like I know Lass a lot better now than I did before. She's cool, but she gossips about other people gossiping a lot.

I got blue pretty denim rope this weekend!!! I won it in the auction. I also won a pretty new ceramic dildo. I'm not sure I like the green rope I won. It feels funny.

Master got an award named after some guy I'd never heard of, and Major got a lifetime free pass to LHC. It was awesome. I think they both cried. Also we are apparently now looking for a vest to fit Cheshire. :)

So many overwhelming feelings this weekend!

(I'm still checking behind doors when I move from room to room.)