important

I've been feeling like shit for about two weeks. I blamed the mood swings, lack of appetite, and stomach pain on my period, but then (after 6 shitty days) my flow stopped but the pain didn't. For about 3 days after my period, I was very sad, and couldn't feel happy no matter what I did. Every time I ate, my stomach gave me severe pain as feedback. When He finally realized what was happening, Master began monitoring my food/eating much more closely, and helping me eat even when i didn't want to.  I'm not as bad as I was, emotionally. Well, I don't feel sad, down, out, shitty, depressed, poisonous like i did, But I'm still having out-of-the-park mood swings.  Like right now, I want sex, pain and to cut. I want to cut in the same way I want sex. I can see it, feel it, imagine it. I could masturbate to my desire to cut right now. And it would feel just as good as if I'd just had sex (which isn't going to happen anytime soon because my alerady tired husband will be going golfing again tomorrow [In fact, You will probably be golfing when this post is published, since I don't want this post read directly after I write it] and there's no way He'll even be remotely interested in me after golfing all day, and then eating dinner at Major's house, and then staying there way too long for no reason until I probably lose my temper because I'm emotionally empty) and I'd be satisfied for a little while. But He would never give me permission. If i didn't think He'd say no, I'd beg Him to let me cut. Also, I feel like I can't ask (He'd say no, duh) because He'd feel like I was trying to trap Him into fucking me, and I don't want a pity fuck. i want to be fucking raped.

to the main point, says the voice in the back of my head.

Since I've been emotionally useless, and maybe a little before, our protocols, traditions, rules, and standing orders have melted   (Like my work-friend's panties [her words] when she met some guy from Jane's Addiction at a strip club)  into nothing.   I haven't been trying. The only protocols and rules I follow are: no cutting, bring Him coffee in the morning, and lift the toilet seat when i'm done with it. I was emotionally unable to hold up my end of our rules and protocols, and I think I was the only one who was holding anything up to begin with.

• Our inspections have fully stopped, and to be truthful they only lasted about 2 weeks to begin with. 
• The drawer with all the toys in it has been FULL for 2 weeks and nothing in it has been used on me in much longer than that time. In fact, He took toys OUT OF the dresser to use on someone else and they haven't been put back. (YES IT FUCKING HURTS ME) 
• I haven't journalled in forever, and don't even know where my notebook is. You know why? The ones I wrote down never got read. I know that right this minute there are entries in my journal that You saw my write, and never looked at them. 
• I WANT MY BEDTIME BACK, i even miss being out of bed at a certain time. It was good for me, for both of us. 

I can bring you coffee every morning, but that doesn't make our relationship M/s. In fact, I resent bringing you coffee every morning, knowing that you generally ignore my needs regarding pain (toys used on me daily), affection (hugs, pets, love hand-holding, snuggling), sex (did you even see anything but the word sex?), and having a set schedule. 

Please put us both back on track.