Its like im living without my soul. I ache for him., and He barely notices i'm gone.

Every day i beg Him to text. I try to tell Him I.m starving for His attn

Totally just got called a slut.

Trash goes to the road today. Also, last day to buy pumpkins

I have a lot of ideas for next years LHC, but I know Gypsie won't be up to hearing them yet.

I am NOT washing your clothes and picking up after you when I get home from work. Unfair.

If one more old woman tel5s me hw much she loves GLAZING BALLS...

Thinking of doing a turks-head flogger.

EDIT 11-12-12:
It's not a turks-head knot I want to put at the end of the falls, it's a button knot.  A flogger with button knots at the very end of the falls. I think it would feel very pretty.

Listening to i would do anything for love, but i won't do that. On the work radio.

Need to charge my phone. Hope it snows. And i very much wish for sex. Page 50 and thru ch 1 of Story of O

Aisle Sex

"so where does the fastest corkscrew in the world go?"

It was so pretty when we left. Now all the trees are bare and everything is dead!

LHC weekend

Have to admit that I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to play with Major this weekend at LHC. I literally remember thinking "Oh shit" right after my scene with MTaino because I was worried it would interfere with other possible happenings this weekend.

I had been warned. Sort of. The only hints I got were "I still have to make you a hood" and "If you keep jumping like that, Major's gonna catch you for sure."  

But it was a busy weekend. I feel like I never really stopped working to play and enjoy the company of the people I'm close to. Even when i was playing, it was because no one else was playing and I knew we had to get it started somehow. Master looked at me and I saw that He was thinking the same thing I was - Someone had to start playing, and I seemed like the only pumped-to-play bottom around.

The scene was crazy intense. I kept trying to relax and melt into the pain, but every time I started to really enjoy the feeling, M.T would put in another hard hit. I didn't know what he was going for, but I knew that I might switch soon, and I held on as tightly as I could. When I finally started to cry, he said good girl. My initial reaction was to turn and yell at him that I was not, I had just started crying, how dare he put that on me, I hate being called a good girl anyway- and then it dawned on me that he'd been trying to make me cry all along, which was why he kept hitting me when I would relax. I think that's the first time I've actually felt the tears fall off my face and not roll straight down. I finally let myself cry, but still held on to Emily, to my sanity. Even still I was ashamed and kept my eyes closed. All of the sudden I felt someone move in front of me- It felt like DaddySpanks, and I thought he had interrupted the scene or was going to hold me while i took more. "Good girl." It was M Taino, and I suddenly panicked when I realized I was pressing my wet face and runny nose straight against this man's leather vest. I tried to pull away but he held on, and then I hugged him back, still breathing out of my mouth because he was holding me so tightly to his shoulder that I couldn't breathe with my mouth closed. I wanted to say thank you, because it had gone from a fear that I couldn't handle it to shame to relief and that wonderful feeling right after a heavy hit when the skin stings and all the pain turns straight into happiness.

By the time I made it to the cooldown room, I was laughing and crying hysterically at the same time. Susy was out now, too. I couldn't stop giggling because it felt good, and crying from the overwhelming emotions. I kept bouncing and kicking my feet like a child, and my speech patterns changed wildly from child to adult, serious to funny. I tried to eat a piece of chocolate and almost puked. (That's never happened before!)

My back still hurts, and i was pretty surprised it didn't get darker. It's mostly speckling.


DaddySpanks was talking about some woman who carried a submissive into a social area in a body-bag (and how that was against party regulations and so on) and so when major said he a surprise in a bag in his room, that was my first mental reference.

I very much enjoyed the play/banter in the vending area with the shamog and wish there had been more chances for fun and less-serious going ons this weekend.

I feel very pleased with myself for getting up the courage to speak with Momma Vi this year since I didn't last year. In fact, I feel that I've even made friends with a few of the tradesmen, who I always admired from afar before now. (What? I felt excluded. Gay males intimidate me, there's nothing they could possibly be interested in about me from a purely kink standpoint, so I always want to join in the fun but I feel kind of useless, and afraid to approach them.) I allllmost cried when she was signing Story of O for me, but I think I'd been a bit out of tears thanks to the night before. It means a whole lot to me though, and it has strengthened my resolve to find more books for the library, read all those classic kink books people keep talking about, donate books next year, and eventually publish something that I can put into the Leather Library myself.

I also want to MAKE SURE I sit in on at least one storytelling next year, since I still have yet to do that. (The first year, I didn't know they were actually doing it til it was over, and this year I just never had time.)

The Story of O has been very calming and centering for me so far. It helps me regain perspective as to my needs, behaviors, and duties as a slave. I've been questioning a lot of things lately about myself, and I hate to admit I forgot to enjoy serving. I've been so busy thinking about what has to get done, and who is doing what, that I had actually begun to resent my duties and promises and orders.  I like being told what to do! I enjoy it! I enjoy helping, giving to others of my time and abilities, and losing myself in doing something quickly and correctly! I have not been gracious. I have muttered under my breath and pouted when things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I forgot that the best thing about being a slave is that I don't have to worry about what I want or need! I have only to do as I am told, and enjoy being useful, and my usefulness will be preserved. My needs and wants will be considered and taken care of. In fact, my needs are no concern of mine.

And I'm only on page 41 so far. It's not helping me get rid of those pesky multiple partner fantasies at all.

Gypsy mentioned wanting to do a more formal mentoring with me, but I haven't had a chance to discuss it with Relly yet.

I hate to admit it but  I wondered if Major gave up playing with me so that he could have sex. It shouldn't have bothered me, after all that's his decision, and I understand there were other influencing factors, but I felt a little disillusioned.

Kit bought himself leather pants. He also didn't really come out of his room much. I don't understand what's going on with him at all really. If you're going to come to an event, you'd think he would actually come out of his room to enjoy the event instead of reading a book he brought with him to the LEATHER LIBRARY.

I feel like I know Lass a lot better now than I did before. She's cool, but she gossips about other people gossiping a lot.

I got blue pretty denim rope this weekend!!! I won it in the auction. I also won a pretty new ceramic dildo. I'm not sure I like the green rope I won. It feels funny.

Master got an award named after some guy I'd never heard of, and Major got a lifetime free pass to LHC. It was awesome. I think they both cried. Also we are apparently now looking for a vest to fit Cheshire. :)

So many overwhelming feelings this weekend!

(I'm still checking behind doors when I move from room to room.)

Never did talk to gypsy about more serious mentoring

I feel useless when i'm not working.

I can't help wondering if major fucked her instead of playing with me.

And I'm up and ready for business. Slept alone last night. Needed it. Headed downstairs soon.

"beat me like a hammer"

If I'm wearing my "I only date ninjas" shirt and major puts a bag over my head from behind, there must be a pic!

Charge phone, air mattress, fill in auction sheets! Get a good rest.

Danny was out today. They fucked. "only for Mikkal" syd came out at the end. she's out a lot lately.

Danny and Phiar despise the new language restriction and that Lauren is enforcing it.

Danny was out today. They fucked. "only for Mikkal" syd came out at the end. Think she's been out a lot lately.

I have faith in making a leather purse, a paintbrush holder, and tom's tie now.

Air mtrs

I think fried chicken is my new g-spot

23 hrs nxt wk.
M 12-7:30
T 7:30-12 W 12-7:30 Th 12-4

Fast pooping isnt always fun.

Dear Abby,
My wife is hiding under our futon. I cannot get her to come out. She is not being aggressive to me in any way, but she seems sad, depressed, and overwhelmed lately. I fear she may be getting depressed and have urged her to go to a doctor. I feel that hiding under a futon is unsafe.

Should I
A) Help her ?
B) Yell and scream?
C) Sit on her?
D) Punish her?
E) Leave?

Dear Abby,
my wife is "being unsafe," hiding, and is sad and depressed. Should I
A) help her?
B) sit on her?
Or C) leave?

Hope he gets home before dark, i wanted to load the car today.

I've been wasting time this afternoon. I promise to do better

Home alone

I just heard the following conversation out loud in my living room. 

Yeah? Me too! High five, masochists!!

I'm talking to myself again. 

*Sigh* I know, leave me alone. 

I said Fuck because im lost and my daddy didnt turn on his phone and left me!

B*

I'm so tired, and i have to do brochures TONIGHT! Why am i not home?

And nmad

Once today so far. I think the f word

Worked through my break. I forgot and then 15 til 4 she told me i had to clock out

I identify with our coffee pot. Used on a regular basis, but always still full when you're done with it

Blink was out last night. She's very gushy and comfortable with her body and coming

Wrong bathroom!

Said nmad, also i forgot to grab His red bull. Direct order

I really want that outfit from the mall 4 my costume. It would also be a good place to buy jewelry.

No sex tonight. Blue haired overnight guest.

And He tricked me into saying nmad too

And hell. Sigh

And ssa.

And sh*t, too. Did better when i didnt talk!

Does crap count? Said that, too.

Sry. Saw i almost went to work in collar. Also, havent eaten today

I am no longer allowed to swear. Also of note i said dick and then damn when i realized i'd said the former.

Thank You Master for a wonderful night. ps, definitely going to drink water all the time!

I wonder if my orgasms or lack thereof is related to my water intake. I was hydrating in the other house and i was more gushy.

Thanj you for being exactly what i need since that talk after we had sex on the 16th. I feel secure in my collar.

There's so much blood! Guess my day off is over.

Punished: broke my promise. He didn't let me rub His feet with lotion bc i bitched. I cried.

Punished for breaking my promise. He didn't let me rub His feet after I got the lotion bc i bitched. I cried.

I was punished for not keeping my promise to Master. He didn't let me rub His feet after I got the lotion. I cried. I disappointedHim.

Today i was filled with cum and given at least 5 orders. My old boss also said he wants me for a manager position sometime soon. A very good day!

The sun is up, the birds are singing and I- oh, I'm bleeding again, aren't I? Yes, yes I am.

Dungeon rules?

Sometimes i blow my nose and then realize my hand is wet. PS I don't want to take my pills. Red roses are done.

My snot is green, I'm dehydrated, and I'm on my period. Go the fuck to hell, all you old ladies!

I wish Daddy was more bossy.

Black leather tie, finish floggers, tea pot, roses, baskets, kit's flogger, make list for kc food. Brochure! Russian

Thank you for reminding me that you are my "something that starts with M" yesterday

I need to buy a new toothbrush

All pumpkins have been thoroughly blown... Out

Carved pumpkins today. Little bro on day 3, spent last 2 nights w us.

I just want to cry again. Its not over the leather just emotional.

Lost my phone 24 hrs and no one called! Pout

never posted, 9/14/2012

I know you have started paying attention to the way you and i interact M/s. I have noticed and appreciate it. Thank You. Last night was exactly what I need. Subtle but in control.

Fortune cookie

This is in relation to the thing Susy got in trouble for earlier today.

Wanna guess what she did?

I got punished today. Daddy told me not to and i did it anyway. I was scared but the punish part was just to make me obey not to hurt. -susy

Employment is overrated.

I'm masturbating with my vibrator and suddenly I can hear the neighbor's washing machine through the wall. I feel completely upstaged! At 5AM, no less.

My goldfish bag says to draw something that made me feel good on it, with details. Hmmm

important

I've been feeling like shit for about two weeks. I blamed the mood swings, lack of appetite, and stomach pain on my period, but then (after 6 shitty days) my flow stopped but the pain didn't. For about 3 days after my period, I was very sad, and couldn't feel happy no matter what I did. Every time I ate, my stomach gave me severe pain as feedback. When He finally realized what was happening, Master began monitoring my food/eating much more closely, and helping me eat even when i didn't want to.  I'm not as bad as I was, emotionally. Well, I don't feel sad, down, out, shitty, depressed, poisonous like i did, But I'm still having out-of-the-park mood swings.  Like right now, I want sex, pain and to cut. I want to cut in the same way I want sex. I can see it, feel it, imagine it. I could masturbate to my desire to cut right now. And it would feel just as good as if I'd just had sex (which isn't going to happen anytime soon because my alerady tired husband will be going golfing again tomorrow [In fact, You will probably be golfing when this post is published, since I don't want this post read directly after I write it] and there's no way He'll even be remotely interested in me after golfing all day, and then eating dinner at Major's house, and then staying there way too long for no reason until I probably lose my temper because I'm emotionally empty) and I'd be satisfied for a little while. But He would never give me permission. If i didn't think He'd say no, I'd beg Him to let me cut. Also, I feel like I can't ask (He'd say no, duh) because He'd feel like I was trying to trap Him into fucking me, and I don't want a pity fuck. i want to be fucking raped.

to the main point, says the voice in the back of my head.

Since I've been emotionally useless, and maybe a little before, our protocols, traditions, rules, and standing orders have melted   (Like my work-friend's panties [her words] when she met some guy from Jane's Addiction at a strip club)  into nothing.   I haven't been trying. The only protocols and rules I follow are: no cutting, bring Him coffee in the morning, and lift the toilet seat when i'm done with it. I was emotionally unable to hold up my end of our rules and protocols, and I think I was the only one who was holding anything up to begin with.

• Our inspections have fully stopped, and to be truthful they only lasted about 2 weeks to begin with. 
• The drawer with all the toys in it has been FULL for 2 weeks and nothing in it has been used on me in much longer than that time. In fact, He took toys OUT OF the dresser to use on someone else and they haven't been put back. (YES IT FUCKING HURTS ME) 
• I haven't journalled in forever, and don't even know where my notebook is. You know why? The ones I wrote down never got read. I know that right this minute there are entries in my journal that You saw my write, and never looked at them. 
• I WANT MY BEDTIME BACK, i even miss being out of bed at a certain time. It was good for me, for both of us. 

I can bring you coffee every morning, but that doesn't make our relationship M/s. In fact, I resent bringing you coffee every morning, knowing that you generally ignore my needs regarding pain (toys used on me daily), affection (hugs, pets, love hand-holding, snuggling), sex (did you even see anything but the word sex?), and having a set schedule. 

Please put us both back on track. 

We've had a very volatile past few days/week. Today started rough but i am overcome by how much i love him