Scening expectations

Maybe if I write a ______, it will help me wrap my head around us playing or something.

I expect I would be tied down (or up) some way where I really couldn't move much - maybe even unable to move. Good music playing, so I could focus on enjoying the feeling and get my mind and thoughts out of the way.

It would end up the same way. Eventually He'll hit me somewhere I think is wrong or dangerous or especially painful, and I grit my teeth and bear it the first few times, but it continues. I get angry, because I feel like He knows better and is doing it on purpose. At some point, I reflexively turn and yell at Him, or reach out to hit Him to make Him stop. When my mind catches up with my actions, I lie back down willingly, and accept my punishment or whatever is being done to me. And then the pain comes back, and again I react in anger.

That is the issue. I try to control it, but always fail. I don't know what to do alternatively to keep from getting upset. In my mind...