I need to write this down somewhere because I'm starting to go nuts.
I'm going to give a firsthand long account because I need to get all my facts down before I rant or process or whatever.
We watched a movie. It ended at 11PM. It's horribly hot and unbearable, so we've been sleeping downstairs. I bring my leather, notebook, and He has my laptop. I want to discuss the rare steak relation to werewolves in the novel I'm working on with Him because I don't understand the food-lust the way someone who eats rare steaks does. Anyway, I do all the unbearable crap that has to be done before we can proceed. SOMEHOW He goes and wakes up Major to ask him a question just as we're sitting down to what I hope will be a cozy comfortable situation that involves role play and fantasy, etc. They end up outside deep in a conversation that I'm not allowed to be a part of, so I'm stuck inside by myself. I find something to do. I log on fetlife and read some rants. I leave up the funny ones that I'd like to share. They come in, talking about the longest most boring topic I've ever heard: The Military. I don't even hint that it's time for bed (even though I'm crushed that He ignores my desperate pleas for conversation to talk about something they've already talked about dozens of times) and put in headphones so that I don't have to listen to them argue rate VS pay grade and OTH vs Dishonorable, and all that shit. I point out that it's 12:34 AM. Shortly after, Major heads off to smoke another cigarette, and He tells me to get off the computer 3 times in rapid succession while I'm wearing the headphones. While putting the pc down, I say "I'm watching something right now" look down and realize I'm 30 seconds into 7 minutes, and dismiss any thought of actually getting to watch the video. He gets that look on His face like I've really fucked with the wrong monkey, and puts me in Five in the middle of the basement, then proceeds to go use the computer. I hear Him watching videos, I'm pretty sure it was the one I wanted to watch. I start sweating. It's unbearably hot and I'm furious. It starts to hurt, and I feel myself getting to the point where I normally start whimpering. I push past it, grit my teeth and determine that I won't make a sound. Master tells me to fix my hands. My muscles are aching, and when I breathe I can't control the tremor in my stomach or legs. I'm clenching one hand around the other to steady myself the only way that I'm able to. I flip Him off continuously until he tells me to go to One. I immediately do so. After maybe 5 seconds, He puts me back in Five. Major passes through (says he's going to take a dump) and heads to the bathroom to use it before he goes to bed. It hurts worse to be out of the position long enough for my body to think it's going to get to stretch and then to be put back IMMEDIATELY into that same stress position.
I hear a toilet flush, and think that He can't possibly keep my in this position much longer, because it's had to have been forever if Major is done using the bathroom. I imagine getting up and taking my things upstairs. I know He would tell me another position command, and I tell myself that I would say that I'd rather spend the rest of the night folding clothes to be able to sleep in the upstairs bed than sleep downstairs with Him even if He wasn't going to punish me further. I imagine walking out of the room and running into Major, warning him, "Don't touch me." He tries to grab me anyway, because he knows I'm supposed to be in a punishment position. I duck and twist, and when he grabs my wrist I catch him in the nuts with an elbow. He breaks my nose and puts me in 5 again. I decide not to go upstairs just yet. Major walks in, says goodnight, I won't fail in front of someone else. I will not. Even if he stays to talk. He goes straight to bed.
All during this, Master continuously points out my flaws, shaking etc.
I'm sweating, shaking from both anger and fatigue.
He tells me to stop moving so much, and to fix something else. I don't remember the exchange but I end up on my knees with both hands flat on the floor, bracing myself to be yelled at or hit for not going back to Five as ordered. At this point I'm unable to return to Five and maintain the stillness that He demands (Which I'm not supposed to maintain anyway, since my legs are supposed to be touching so that I "won't be able to balance myself") and I say so after He put me in One and asks WTF.
He says that He was testing me to see if I could maintain Five perfectly for a full five minutes and that I couldn't. I point out that He couldn't do it. He ignores this.
The main point of the impending lecture was that I was disrespectful (I forgot to mention that He told me what I did wrong before He put me in Five in the very beginning) and that He won't tolerate it, and that I should always call Him Sir or Master when not around vanillas. Still furious I point out that our definitions of respect are very different. I'm shaking again, and I feel like I've been called weak repeatedly for not being able to hold position (I was also scolded for not safe-wording during a punishment instead) so at some point during this, He puts me in Four, with the instruction to change to One to answer questions so that my legs don't give out. EVENTUALLY we come to the understanding that I don't have a problem with respecting Him, I feel that He deserves my respect, I'm pissed off, moody and PMSing, I think that everything He said made sense, He is not consistent and the randomness is what I resent when I don't feel I've even been disrespectful, and some other things.
He tells me to recover because He thinks that He might be irrational. He goes back over everything (I sit on the couch, and realize He's standing in parade rest, think that's very unusual) and we again agree that He was being rational. He stops talking and stares off into nowhere, randomly saying things like "I'm being rational" and swaying. I panic, because I think He may either be having a seizure or in some type of military mindset where I'll have to get Major to come tell Him to "Recover" or the military equivalent (But I don't want ot fuck it up either, and I'm also afraid to leave Him in case He just falls over). I'm crying and begging Him to sit down when he comes back. After a ridiculous amount of begging, He sits, and tells me to go get His meds, and bring Him an extra green pill. I ask why because I'm worried about His mental state and He gives me that "Don't question Me, you stupid cunt" look and I hurry and go get His pills. By the time I get back, He's asleep on the couch and I have to wake Him up. He thinks I was scared of Him, and that I didn't think He was rational (He's hung up on that). I tell Him several times that He was being rational and I know that and agree with what He was saying, and try to continue that it's just not fair to randomly be picky about "respectfulness" shit and He tells me there's no point in having the conversation because I wouldn't listen to Him anyway because it's late at night.
I wouldn't have held position from 12:50 - 1:20AM if I thought He was sick.
I wouldn't have given Him an extra green pill if I thought He was irrational.
He gets a really angry look on His face, like He did that night that He had behavior changes and doesn't remember the things He said to me. I tell Him to get control of Himself, and not let the sickness affect His emotions. He has a seizure. After He's conscious, I try to move Him so I can fix His bed on the couch. He yells at me that He's not stupid. I tell Him I know He's not stupid (I want to tell Him that yelling at me about not being stupid when all I've been saying is that He was rational and I agree with what He was saying just not the timing and inconsistency of it is stupid, but I hold it in because it would be counter-productive) and continue talking to Him. I say "I love You," and He says "No you don't" and promptly falls asleep.
I very much doubt that He'll remember saying any of it in the morning, and I know that He doesn't really think I don't love Him, but it still breaks my heart.
Now, I know that You hate it when I cut You slack because of sickness, so HERE is my rant.
Enjoy.
WTF!!!! WHY did You find it fucking necessary to close all of the windows I had painstakingly left open for You so that I could share them? I DON'T CARE what interpersonal shit is going on between us DON'T FUCKING CLOSE MY TABS!!!!!!
I wanted to share those tabs with You and Major, and You were so busy with Your "super important domly dom business" that You didn't give a shit about the fact that maybe I would like to add something nonBORINGrelated to the conversation and maybe get to talk a little for once, or even the previous commitment that You'd made to me to talk a while before we went to bed. No, it's not that important in the long run, but it's relationship maintenance and I'm not the only one in this relationship.
I don't understand how after being blatantly ignored for over an hour (which You don't consider disrespectful or inconsiderate AT ALL), my "disobedience" by talking while doing what You told me to do in the first place is disrespectful. Sure, I'm slave. Sure, I'm not in charge, but FUCK!!!!!! I know You have a semblance of fairness, and letting me watch a short video after being forced to listen to an HOUR of military bickering seems pretty fucking fair to me. Yeah, I said it wrong. BUT I WAS ALREADY SEETHING because of You and how You had ignored commitments, reasonable bedtimes, the goal of going to bed at a reasonable hour so that we don't keep sleeping late.... Seriously. I was already angry here.
It was worse listening to the two of you guys talk about military talk than it was to be in Five. BUT I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT!!! And I got no slack for being patient or good or anything. All I got was spit on.
It was supposed to be a good night. I wouldn't have kept You up long, I just wanted to talk, write some things down, and maybe, MAYBE cuddle a little before falling happily asleep.
I've been struggling with wanting to cut for a few days. And I hate admitting it, but it does scare me that He'll get angry like He did the other night. He didn't touch me or hurt me, He just said some nasty things He doesn't remember that dug kind of deep, even though I know He didn't mean them.
I feel so dirty. I was all sweaty and angry and had my face down in the floor that smells like cat piss. and I can't sleep and ... he's alright now, I'm pretty sure, but I don't know how to handle the way I feel. I want to keep being furious so that I get it out of my system... But I want to talk about the whole "respect" thing... because it's always been an issue for me. BUT I feel that a follow-up punishment is necessary since I blatantly refused to go back to Five (Even though I couldn't, I wouldn't admit that. It's been drilled into me to never say "I can't". and I may be shaky and it definitely hurts but I could still try to hold that position until I fell or something.. I don't know. I don't think failure is an option I guess.) The point is, I'm so angry and I feel partly that I should be punished for it.
still on my period.
One last thing. DON'T TOUCH MAH TABS, BISH!!!
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