I have never been good with people, or with standing up for myself, or even talking to people in a general social setting. 

The kink lifestyle felt like home, felt like a family that I could actually trust, even though I wasn't looking for family when I found the community, just people of a like mind that would understand my ideas and turn ons, and maybe even find the same things that I enjoy to be fun and worthwhile. 

Maybe after five years, I opened up too soon. Maybe I trusted people who didn't value me in the same way that I valued them. Maybe I considered people family who only considered me an aquaintance. But it seems to be on all fronts at once. Not just the people I was starting to feel at home with, but the people that I've trusted and known for a few years are pulling away. 

Was I too quiet? Should I have shared more of myself so they saw me as a real person, with real ideas and fantasies and feelings? Or was I too loud, hurting feelings when I spoke, offending when I tried to be funny, or worse, losing friends because I stood up for myself? 

It's hurtful and frustrating, to feel like I don't exist as a person, only a toy, and favor dispenser, only someone who makes money for events. 

I think that I might just stick to making toys. Making something beautiful. I have a strong appreciation for beauty. I want to make something that has heart to it, and will speak to people. 

And play. I love playing, I love pain. I have elaborate fantasies that I would love to see through, but I only trust a few people anymore and it's pretty hard to play in front of people now. I've learned that I worry people. I've had a dm ask me repeatedly if I'm ok, if I'm cold, and even after I tell her point blank that I am ok, that I shiver when I play and it is absolutely normal, she keeps coming back and asking because she is worried, to the point that I had to quit playing because it made her "feel better". I have a problem with people touching me now, and that is tough when I used to be the hug person. I'm still thought of as the hug person, and so people think I'm mad at them when I don't give hugs. I've had a friend tell me the person I played with was a monster, and that he never should have allowed the scene to happen- while I was still wearing a blanket and a smile after the scene, a friend who has no say in my dynamic or who I can play with. 

I digress. 

I didn't mean to say many of the things I've said, and what I really was trying to get to was that I want to get back to the reason I joined the community in the first place, to have fun, and maybe not try so hard to make friends, maybe trust these people a little less, and maybe bow out of the politics that are sucking the life out of my lifestyle.