Too dark to blog on paper. I feel like we'll never agree on anything again. My heart aches for my husband, but there is no comfort with him right now.

Bad dreams about handcuffs.
-lace

I want to be left alone.
One, hush. Lecture.
He wants to be left alone.
What is an acceptable solution for me to approach him? Nothing.

I want to cut!

I'm just a cutter, nothing more. My weakness and mistakes define me, drag me down and use me, draining me again.

Relax, it's only sharpy. I want to though.

He is acting the way i do when im pissed off but i have no authority to do anything about itand i cant stand this

water

So that's 2 times this weeks that my body has completely overreacted to water when I know I'm fine.

That scene in the movie actually got under my skin a little. It didn't bother me mentally at all. Physically? Heart rate when up, started breathing deeper, faster. Preparing?  It did make me wonder if I'll always have the weak spot for waterboarding, if I'll break faster if that's what's being done/threatened.


Somehow managed to swallow water while completely alone in the shower. Got choked. For all intents and purposes, it was like any other time I swallow water the wrong way, except that I had running water on me, on my face, skin. Took minutes to stop choking, and it shouldn't have. It took even longer to slow my breathing than normal. Immediately triggered a need to cuddle, be held, be reassured.

I wish that I could go swimming more, play more in water again to get used to it. We used to be best friends, and now I feel like it's trying to creep in as a fear that I won't let affect me.

Not worried, not complaining, just keeping score in my own mind. It hasn't bothered me in so long, I have to wonder why it's starting to now.

dreams of Major

So. I had the most fucked up dream ever last night. Well, two of them.

#1. I was sitting in the passenger's seat of Major's car at his house. He was walking around the front of the car and talking to me, but I was trying to help either clean it out or pick up things to bring in and didn't hear what he said, but we were talking about playing. He said something along the lines of "I have so many great ideas of what to do to you.It's inspired, really." 

Only fucked up because it felt so real.

#2. I'm at a u-shaped set of 3 white tables with maybe 10 or 12 people. I'm all the way on the right side of one end of the u, on the outside corner. We're all facing the middle discussing something. It seems a lot like a MAsT meeting. Major is two people down, and the person to my left is familiar (male) but not identified in the dream. The guy I don't recognize reaches to his left and pulls out a box of chocolates. He pushes them toward me across the table while we're talking, but then as I reach toward the box, reflexively covers up the bottom left corner. Major motions him to stop, but I notice and look down to see what he's trying to cover up. It's the date. These chocolates are from... 1971. Well of course I decide to try one anyway, (why not finish out the joke, right?) and they are orange cream-filled with white powdered sugar on the outside. I taste the powdered sugar, and say "well, that's still good" and take a small bite of the corner. The chocolate is actually pretty good, so I decide to actually take a bite, whether the clearish orange stuff in the middle is or not. Then I look back down at it, look around at everyone laughing, and somehow manage to realize at the last minute that the cream filling is probably cum, and of course that everyone is looking at Major for cues on how to react, as well.

Of course I immediately woke up with thoughts like "that motherfucker!" and texted Major. And now I'm awake, Damn it.