After not wanting to move, struggling to complete basic tasks, and not being able to do the things I love. Also, putting way too much sugar in everything and still thinking it wasn’t sweet enough, and only being able to eat pizza for 2 weeks straight.
We went to the doctor for another appointment, and also spoke with her about my depression. I took the questionnaire- everything was “every day” except the “do you want to hurt yourself?” Question which was at a “none”. She was very concerned, and said if that had any occurrence we would be talking hospitalization, because my score was very high. 27 I think. She started me on an antidepressant, and I started taking it later that day. My husband went to bed when we got home, I took my pill, and the next morning when I woke him up, I was feeling so much better. I was happy and laughing.
The surge of happiness and energy lasted about a week. It felt like the tar I’d been walking through, and the crushing sadness had just dissolved.
We went back to the dr on fri the 14th December and I took my pill that night instead of that morning, because the side effect I was having was frequently having to go to the bathroom.
Had a huge slump in mood for about a week.
Things started gradually improving.
I felt the urge to dress up. I started painting my nails.
I started wearing makeup more often.
I’ve started trying to wear my hair down, and get used to it.
I’m finding it easier to eat regularly. I feel hungry, and I can do someth8ng about it without being so tired and run down after that I have to go to bed. I can think much more clearly most days.
I am enjoying things.
I am spending no time playing 7 days to die, and am instead playing hearthstone, and winning more games than I have in a long time.
I have a hard time getting aroused when trying to masturbate. Low interest in sex, although the one time we had sex since I started anti-depressants was mind blowing. So I think it’s low drive, but not inability to be turned on.
Yesterday Jan 13 2019 I looked at my body naked and realized I don’t hate it. I like my body. I started crying when I said it to myself out loud. I haven’t even had that thought in years. I think I’ve been depressed since I was a teenager. When I look back, and I think about the times I remember being happy, it’s all from moments of my childhood. I was a friendly outgoing little girl who talked to everyone she saw and made friends with all kinds of people. The neighbors who hated our dog, the librarian, the kids down the street and across the street. Random people I met in everyday places. And people liked me. And I explored and had adventures, and wasn’t afraid.
I think I became depressed around my 13th birthday. That’s when I remember thinking that my mother stopped loving me. And I think that part of me must have thought that I was unworthy of love, because I don’t remember being the kind of happy I feel now after that. I remember reaching out to her and suddenly the promises to go places never came true at all. It had been a toss up before. But now it was almost always a no.
I have bloomed on antidepressants. I felt like an extrovert the first week. I had a streak of vocal honestly and hated for it to be quiet.
I’m still having trouble focusing on painting minis. Although I did finish 3 paintings the first week on antidepressants. I also organized all my clothes and my husband’s clothes around the 11th. Friday Jan 11th I think.
I think I’ve been doing less art and less drawing because I’ve felt more able to move around physically. So I’ve been doing less art but accomplishing more in other areas.
I also went from taking the dogs outside and barely being able to leave our yard some days, to taking them on long walks for 30 minutes each several times a week.
I wanted something. I’ve never really (in my memory) felt that if I want something, I can just have it. It was expensive and even still I felt like I needed permission. But I’ve been getting better and better about vocalizing my desires without fear of punishment or having that want used against me. So I have a necklace coming in the mail today that is worth $100. It’s a Herkimer diamond (hardened quartz) but it’s the first piece of jewelry that I’ve ever fallen in love with. It’s going to go great with all my new clothes and I just am giddy about it. I want to wear it every day with everything. It may be my new daily collar.
