Period

As of February 18. Been bleeding heavy, had sex last night, and I am now paying my Master 1000g (on World of Warcraft) for every 10 minutes we have sex. I made floggers yesterday. Today we bought dowel rods. Thinking about trying a turks head knot again. Master has been sick with the death. Diarrhea + vomiting for almost 2 days. I'm trying my best not to catch it. I was supposed to do a lot of things today but none of them got done.

Also, He was officially fired today. He's supposed to go see about unemployment (it was workforce reduction, He didn't get fired for being bad) tomorrow.

It sucks, I'm scared, and this chicken Major's mom made for dinner definitely shows that she's on a no-salt diet. blech. anyway, I'm going to go have some strawberry yogurt and think about all the floggers I'm not making. Master says not to worry, and I trust Him, so.. But I don't know what we're going to do.

I felt the barb in my mind again. Every time I thought about "the wrong things" there would be a pain behind my eyes, just enough to interrupt my thoughts of self-hate and feelings of worthlessness. It's terribly hard to think of killing yourself when you're reminded that you wouldn't like the pain of killing yourself anyway. It reminded me that that I didn't want to disappear, I just wanted the pain to stop. No, not the pain He was causing, but the other pain. The depression.

I'm afraid. We're no where safe to support ourselves, much less a child. And I'm getting hot flashes. Real. Literal. Hot Flashes. At 22. It's a sign of hormonal changes. I'm not going through fucking menopause, you know? Unless depression can cause hot flashes, it's pretty definite in my mind that if I don't start bleeding in the next week, I'm expecting. No. I'm carrying. May as well define it like it is. Like a dangerous weapon. I'm carrying. I'm packing heat. It's something that could change our situation drastically for the worse. I don't know if either of us could handle news like that right now. We're both depressed. He's seeking help, I'm just doing what I always do.... Sucking it up, hiding it, and "doing things". I studied depression a lot when I was a kid, because it's what my mother always said was wrong with her. I tried to cheer her up, and help her "do things" -it's what releases endorphins, you know. Even making a sandwich can make you happy, as long as you feel a sense of accomplishment when you look back at the sandwich and say "look how far I've come. Before, you were just a few slices of bread and some balogna and mustard... and now, you are fit for human consumption!"

I'm going to go look up whether hot flashes can be caused by the changing hormone levels of depression now.

I feel a little pathetic that I'm hoping for depression.

suckage!

we went to my parents' today.


my mom says i'm glowing and asked if i'm pregnant.

Is she kidding?

I wasnt wearing make-up and i looked horrible.


our first MAsT meeting is tomorrow, and we're worried we wont get enough people.

downsizing

Master will be losing His job on Thursday.

I don't know how to react, right now I'm mostly numb.

the worst

the worst part is when I don't know if He's mad at me or not. It tears the very fabric of my world. It makes me jumpy and unsure of myself.


I don't like asking if He's mad though, I should be able to tell! but it's so often lately. He's not felt good for a while.